so, it seems I’m still learning, friends…
Despite being a Synergist to my core, wanting so badly to make sure no one’s feelings are bruised, I’m realizing, and reluctantly accepting, that sometimes (3 occurrences this week actually!), there’s just nothing more I can do to help certain situations.
Because I naturally have to bridge gaps to help everyone “play nicely”, I really have to be hyper-vigilant about not getting involved in areas that may prove difficult for me to process. Example? Let other people figure out and resolve their conflicts, don’t be continuously drawn in by good-intentioned people’s conversations that end up being toxic to my “I wanna go fix it” spirit.
I’m being reminded a lot lately of how I need to guard my own heart, cease striving and allow my arms to dangle at my sides…”let God be God” (Psalm 46:10). Allow God to work in people’s hearts that only He can truly know, He will take care of everything. I love people, and find joy in helping with conflict resolution; however, I’ve realized (especially in the past 6 months or so), that left unchecked, it can seriously drain me.
In this relatively new season of life as a widowed single mother, I need to cover my ears and start humming a little louder sometimes, or close the door and hide a bit sooner, simply because I don’t have enough energy to tackle as many conflicts as effectively as I once would or could. It’s not because I don’t want to listen and help, but instead, it’s because I want to “too much”. At this awkward, somewhat unexpected point in my life, between the daily reminders of life’s frailty, and my desire to respect people’s needs, energy, efforts and time, I find it is more of a challenge to simply bite my tongue these days.
When people, me included, repeatedly continue circling the problem, finding no direct resolution, I have a super tough time not getting to a point of being blatantly honest. The synergist in me tries to temper that honesty, but really, because I abhor unresolved conflict, and people being indirect, I just want to figure out the best way to resolve through compromise, apology, and accountability. And knowing how quickly life can change (for me, it flipped within a two minute timeframe, you’ll remember), I don’t want to waste anyone’s time being disappointed, frustrated or confused.
I must remember that I need to steer clear from the get go, or redirect midstream when needed. If, for no other reason, so that I’m not feeling drained, depleted and too worn out to do what God asks of me first.
ohhh, I often wonder what God was thinking when he made this silly Laura girl? I know He sees the whole, big picture, and I’m 150% sure He shakes His Head, holds His Hand up to His Forehead and mutters something like, “ohhh Laura…what’re you doing now?” on a fairly regular basis. And though the daily challenges can be tough as I learn more about myself (good, bad, ugly), I am actually looking forward to the continued growth I have in Christ. I know that each time I stumble, and then learn a little bit more about me, I am becoming more dependent on God to show me how He wants me to grow, change, and become more faithful of His protection and direction. I learn how foolishly stubborn I can be, how I have to relinquish this false sense of control, responsibility for others, and unproductive tendency of mine in the everyday life God gives me here. And I hear Him calling my name to keep me on the Path Alongside Him.
Life here on earth is definitely full of lessons. I sure am grateful for how patient God is with me…and that He grades on a curve! 🙂