While I’ve been knocked back a little bit in my recovery from surgery, having to prioritize how I spend my energy, I’m reminded of how rich my life truly is.
I’m not even gonna try to sugar coat this “blue period”, there are tough moments I feel very frustrated because my body isn’t feeling what my mind and spirit want to do. There are moments I begin to slide into depression, anger and weakness that drives me more bonkers than usual. (I know, sooo many comments.) I have mornings the devil’s whispers are louder than I can tolerate, reminding me of things I, apparently, haven’t made peace with yet.
I’ve thought of my Dad sitting in their home over those last few months, frustrated by his physical limitations, and the heartache, guilt and regret washing over me are almost too deep to breathe through. “WHERE were you, Laura? Did all those other things that kept you busy REALLY matter? You blew it. You should’ve been there. You should’ve done more. You should’ve called your Dad when you could have still heard his voice!! You should’ve prayed deeper. You should’ve…you should’ve…you should’ve…”
And that is all within approximately five minutes.
It’s enough, change that, it’s way more than enough, to destroy me. To make me hate how distracted I was. To make me cry inconsolably until my eyes run dry. To make my chest hurt, stomach sick and heart ache like it hasn’t in a really, really long time.
Thankfully, I know WHO can shut those voices of regret down. I know WHO has my Dad in His Presence. I know WHO has released my Dad from physical pain, emotional distress and spiritual battle. I know WHO has restored my Dad to a life more beautiful, whole and peaceful than any of us can imagine. I know WHO has restored me. I know WHO stood directly in front of, behind, alongside, above and below me when the devil has come at me before. I know WHO has forgiven me. I know WHO knew I would mess up, regret much and struggle with grief…and yet, STILL died for me. STILL thought I was worth it. STILL says I am A Child of God. A child of GOD.
Wait, did you catch that? Because there are moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks that I have missed that. I missed that I – broken, messy, foolish Laura – am a child of GOD.
In that truth, my mind, body and spirit are too beautiful, too victorious, too incredible for Satan, or anyone he attempts to use (including myself), to speak into me.
While I do not deserve the unspeakable grace Christ has shown in laying down His Life for me, He does not deserve me laying down my life to regret, blame and loss.
The way I’m choosing to see it, because it is an ongoing battle with the one determined to see me fall…
As I survey the riches of my life, the lavish gifts God continues to bless me with, even in my deepest regrets, my weakest choices and my hardest moments, I must be worth it.
And just as a reminder, SO ARE YOU.